Be Wary of February

Pop Quiz: What do Rihanna, Paris Hilton, Ja Rule, John Travolta, and Ed Sheeran all have in common?

Answer: They’re all terrible, terrible human beings. Paris Hilton made lazy-sex popular; Ja Rule scammed young millennials out of millions; Rihanna forced us to watch the movie Battleship with memorable dialogue such as ”Boom” and “Kentucky Fried Chicken”; and John Travolta sexually assaulted men—

Okay, so I’ve been alerted by Travolta’s lawyers that if I do not cease and desist, alien overlord Xenu will force me to jump on Oprah’s couch and brag about kidnapping Katie Holmes. You win this time, Scientology.

But I digress, these celebrities also share the same birthday month… February. Ugh, February. It was created by a cult leader, has an unpronounceable name, holds a counterintuitive spelling, has the least number of days, and it’s filled with the worst holidays. It’s the Lindsay Lohan of months; full of potential but ultimately an unsalvageable waste of time.

Does it have 28 or 29 days? The answer is both, because the month can’t get its shit together. Are you sad and alone? Here’s Valentines Day. Need to know the weather? Ask a groundhog! And don’t get me started on Yom Kippur because I, for one, am against a skinny and starving Jonah Hill. And anyone who says otherwise is clearly racist.

And then there’s Black History Month… an entire month where we can celebrate the achievements of African Americans and acknowledge the progress, growth, and wisdom that we’ve gained as a country in the face of race relations. In February, together as one nation, we are stronger, collaborative, and open-minded about diversity, cultural and racial understanding and—

—Holy Crap, Blackface Is A Thing Again!?

Multicultural wrist-grabbing, the ultimate proof that racism is dead.

Let’s keep this short because it’s ridiculous that this is even a discussion worth having today in the year of 1986. Wait, it’s 2019? Shit, that’s even worse! Black History Month this year has been, to say the least, a bit of a letdown. For example:

• 2 of Virginia’s top 3 democratic officials dabbled in blackface and/or KKK Halloween costumes. But imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?

• Gucci promoted its blackface sweaters on social media. But com’n, Hate Couture is all the rage.

• Liam Neeson casually explained he once hoped “some black bastard would come out of a pub … so that [he] could kill him.” You know… as one does.

You can argue the details. I mean, who didn’t smear shoe polish on their face in the 1980s? If my friend were raped, I’d murder any black man I saw too! I always wear black turtlenecks and roll it up to my eyes and paint red lips on it. Who doesn’t!?

It’s easy to declare Black History Month 2019 the worst Black History Month in the history of Black History Months. If Martin Luther King were alive today, he’d… well, he’d probably be tweeting:

@therealKKK I had a dream lolz.

#blackpeoplebelike #freeatlast #throwbackthursday

The truth is, we’ve all done things in our pasts that we regret to this day. But we grow as a people, or at least we’re suppose to. And this is why we need to pick and choose our outrage as to not water down the overall problem.

Take Liam Neeson for example. He acknowledged a painful truth that most people are incapable of admitting: we’re all raised with bias and it can take time to realize it, feel shame for it, and change our behavior. Neeson doesn’t deserve a medal (or an Oscar for that matter). But he earnestly took responsibility, which already makes him better than the entire state of Virginia.

Counter Argument: Treating minorities more like mummy costumes than actual human people is very telling and understandably upsetting. It’s 2019, America; Empathy is not a bad word. And there are just some 1950’s trends we simply don’t need to revisit…

…I’m Looking At You, Gritty Reboot Of Archie Comics

Millennials Bingo is the worst kind of bingo

Remember the days when teenage boys and girls could go to the nearby malt shop and share an ice cream float with two crazy straws after cutting a rug at the big sock hop? Trust me, it sure was the bee’s knees.

And so was Archie, the simple story of a redheaded teen juggling two women: Veronica, the rich bad girl, and Betty, the mousey good girl. And they'd hash out their innocent love triangle at a quintessential white’s only diner.

Okay, to be fair, they never said the Chock’lit Shoppe was a white’s only diner (but come on, it was totally a white’s only diner). It was clean, wholesome fun for the entire family.

And it was boring as fuck.

The CW's Riverdale adds new life to the tales of Archie and his happy-go-lucky crew. Of course by “new life” I mean abortion, gay-cruising, crack-cocaine sweet candy, and brainwashing nun murder. Seriously, watch an episode. It’s wonderful nonsense.

In Riverdale, Archie is still torn between Veronica and Betty. Except this time, Veronica is the daughter of a Latin drug lord, Betty lost her family to a local cult, and Archie is an ex-con who once choked out a bear before becoming an alcoholic boxer. Seriously, watch an episode. It's eye-rolling fun.

Archie is only one example of a continuing trend of dark reboots. Sabrina the Teenage Witch is now a Satan worshipper. Teen Wolf is now a tale of sexy, carnivorous high schoolers. And then there's Tell Me A Story which stars Little Red Riding Hood as a student sleeping with the big bad wolf, and Hansel & Gretel as a gay go-go dancer and Iraq veteran, respectively. Because why not?

Did you hear about the Family Matters reboot? In it, Steve Urkel has a split personality with a serial killing alter-ego named Stefan. Carl Winslow is a jaded FBI agent unaware that the real murderer is living in his own home… stalking his daughter, Laura. The final scene shows Urkel holding Laura’s corpse, looking directly at the camera, and creepily saying, “did I do that?” Okay, so none of that is true, but would you be surprised if it were?

So what does this mean about modern culture, that we as a society enjoy combining nostalgia and dark grittiness? We want both the comforts of yesteryear and also the bleak vision of the future. We want instant gratification without the fun of imagination. And we want it all with a side of sexy, vulnerable teens.

We may downplay how disturbing this trend is, but at the end of the day, we're all just lying to ourselves. As they say, Liar Liar...

…Jussie Smollett's Pants Is On Fire.

"Pull tighter! My contract negotiation is in an hour!" -Smollet, probably

Okay, do you watch Empire? Yea, neither do I. I assume it’s a documentary about the fall of the Roman Empire starring Terrence Howard as an angry black man, Taraji P. Henson as the Greek Goddess of Sass and Quippy One-liners, and Jussie Smollett as a disappointment to the black and gay communities, respectively.

And what a disappointment he is. See, initially Smollett said two men in masks tied a noose around his neck, poured bleach on him and shouted homophobic and racist slurs, while declaring, “This is MAGA country!”

The Chicago PD replied with, “Cool story, bro.” Then two random African men appeared and were like, “nah, dude paid us to play pretend.” And in a shocking twist, Smollett was essentially arrested for being an actor. And America gasped as if it were another scandalous episode of the silly Fox drama. (which is about… the fall of the Ottoman Empire?)

It’s important to note that Smollett refutes these accusations and even claims to have evidence to counter the Chicago PD. Furthermore, some people note that the Chicago police aren’t exactly reliable. Furtherfurthermore, there’s a ton of he said/she said/Africans say and it’s all confusing and obfuscating the real problem… the fact that we only care when it happens to a celebrity.

The black and LGBTQ communities have spent decades, centuries even, trying to be taken seriously, or at least to be seen as real human people. There are thousands of legitimate hate crimes a year that get ignored. Hundreds in the time we’ve spent debating whether or not Smollett is a terrible human being (Spoiler Alert: He is).

Meanwhile, America is wondering whether blacks and gays should even be believed anymore. If you’re anti-gay or negrophobic then this narrative fits your worldview and minorities not only take two steps back, they literally moonwalk out of the room faster than Governer Northam during a press conference on blackface (“don’t you do it, you dumbass.” –Mrs. Northam).

So whether you believe Smollett or not, the real victims continue to be victims, and their stories are never told.

Man, this was a real downer. Here’s a joke to lighten the mood. What do you call a celebrity locked in a closet? A scientologist!

Okay, I’ve been alerted by Travolta’s lawyers that if I do not stop making fun of their beliefs, alien overlord Xenu will make me marry Jada Pinkett Smith and raise two unbearable children.

BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE IN THE END…

...we’ve grown accustomed to lies, hate, and ignorance. But then we seek refuge in nostalgia that not everyone can share. And finally, we taint that nostalgia with today’s bleak worldview. It defeats the purpose and ruins our childhood. But I still believe we can do better.

Unlike February which is simply unsalvageable. Seriously, do you know other February holidays include World Spay Day, National Frog Legs Day, National Pizza Day and Fat Thursday? That’s castration, francophobia, gluttony, and weight-shaming all in one month.

It’s not quite winter or spring, there’s no food in season, and it starts with an F for failure. You know what… I bet Scientology was founded in February.

And this is why we should all agree that February is worthy of pure, unadulterated hate. Luckily hate is in style and there’s plenty of it to go around. Ain’t that right, Liam Neeson? (You black bastard, you.)