Who Run The World? Squirrels!

Have you ever seen a squirrel running past your lawn and though, man I'd love to uppercut that smug little fucker? If so, your instincts are spot on. After all, they’re just tiny jerks with a proclivity for unmitigated pimpery, domestic terrorism, nun-tossing, and inter-rodent racism. Who runs the world? Squirrels.

Now what does this have to do with anything? Almost nothing at all. But as I write this, there’s a squirrel tapping on my window with a 9mm, watching me watch the Walking Dead. You see, one of the characters, Jesus, was just stabbed and we’re both in shock. I saw a tear slowly trickle from its eye right before it turned to me and softly asked…

Why Does Jane The Virgin Hate Black People?

Jane ain't no virgin.

I know… this sounds like a Kanye quote, and I apologize for reminding you that Kanye exists. However, the question arose when Gina Rodriguez, known for Jane the Virgin and absolutely nothing else, was quoted as saying in an interview, “white women get paid more than black women, black women get paid more than Asian women, Asian women get paid more than Latina women…”

The controversy here is that in a conversation about women being underpaid in Hollywood, Rodriguez claimed Latinas are worse off than black women. Could this possibly be true? Who knows, but I recommend we all get angry at Rodriguez anyway. Scream at her, kick her cat, toss a garbage can through her window, research the facts to see if there’s any credence to her assertions.

Actually, that last one might be a good idea. Let’s do that.

Because as it turns out, Rodriguez is technically correct. And by “technically” I mean “absolutely”. And by “correct” I mean that White women are paid 77 cents to the White man’s dollar, Black women 61 cents, and Latinas 53 cents. And while this statistic refers to full-time jobs, the trend does still seem to seep into the average Hollywood paychecks. Wait… so Jane the Virgin was correct? And she really was a pregnant virgin unknowingly impregnated through artificial insemination with the sperm of a married cancer survivor who was also her boss and former teenage crush!? How the fuck am I not watching this show?

Anyways, the moral of the story is simple. All women are underpaid, and Latinas have to deal with the brunt of the issue. However, in a forum about underpaid women as a whole, divvying it up by race will probably dilute an essential message: Jane the Virgin doesn’t hate black people; but America very well may hate women and minorities as a whole.

So how do we fix that? You start by asking yourself, what would Jesus Do?

After All, Jesus Died For Our Sins… And For Our Entertainment

Jesus is chill AF

I mean, did you see that muthafucka swagger through that graveyard slashing zombies left and right like a badass. You know… just like in the bible? And before you call me sacrilegious, know that I’m talking about the Emmy award losing show called The Walking Dead. It’s about people standing around talking throughout the zombie apocalypse. Again, just like in the bible.

Yes, the premise is as original as the lyrics of a 6ix9ine song. I mean remove the pastel colors from his hair and he’d fit right into the show. Seriously look him up, then poke out your eyes and burn your computer for good measure.

But I digress, Jesus was a martial art pacifist who fought zombies while happening to resemble Jesus Christ. Thing is, beloved character or not, Jesus died during the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead. And a lot of fanboys are upset. They’re ruining the show, shouted some. You’re destroying my childhood, demanded others. Comedic lists come in sets of three, shouted the rest. But the truth is that this show has been declining in ideas and viewership for years.

This season, Angela Kang took over as showrunner, replacing Scott “Let’s Milk Negan For All He’s Worth” Gimple (Negan of course being the a barbed-wire bat wielding bad guy who wore out his welcome pretty early on). Kang brought the show back and Jesus’ death introduced the beginning of a new era of the show, including: eerie zombies who speak, hard-of-hearing/ASL characters (and actors), and a more relatable Negan.

So don’t stop watching just because Jesus died. I mean, if you stop watching The Walking Dead, you’d probably have to find something new to watch. Although, if I’m being frank, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little Netflix and chill...

And Hulu And Chill; And Amazon Prime and Chill; And HBOGo And Chill

He Was Kicked Off His Own Show 'Cause He Liked To Diddle The Youngins

…and Playstation Vue and chill; and Yahoo View and… well, I think you get the point. Streaming services were once the great solution to cable, but it’s quickly becoming a problem that now also needs a solution for itself.

Back in my day most shows and movies could be found on Netflix or Hulu. And you had to walk uphill, five miles in the snow both ways just to watch them. Still, as Netflix and Hulu became more popular, networks wanted in on that sweet, sweet streaming money.

Now if you want to watch the new Star Trek, Teen Titans, and Mighty Ducks series, you need an extra $25 a month. $25 a month for 3 television shows. Or, I suppose you could always just watch them illegally. DISCLAIMER: Neither Kiel nor What the Eph Entertainment promotes, condones, or endorses illegally watching television shows through convenient apps such as Kodi, Showbox or TeaTV; or through the use of a jail-broken Amazon Firestick. Seriously, it’s SO easy to save yourself $25 a month. But don’t do it.

Or maybe do. Because if the only options are either buying basic cable or buying six different streaming services for the price of cable, people will choose to consume content in the least expensive and most convenient form. And that’s how baby pirates are born.

Actually, BitTorrent downloads (widely considered the main hub for piracy) were on a steady decline the past few years, but they’re now on the rise again because people need to watch episodes of This Is Us, a show so good you’ll smile as you slit your wrist, then recommend it to a friend.

But this is all ridiculous. I mean, we’re just talking about television. We only spend an average of 4 hours daily watching it, So if necessary, how hard could it be to change a routine that takes up a sixth of our lives?

Nah, it’s probably easier to download AMC Premiere for $5 a month in order to watch the upcoming The Walking Dead movies. So now that’s $30. $30 a month for 3 shows and a motherfucking movie.

And so a new baby pirate was born.

But It's Okay Because In The End

...we all just want to be happy. Whether it’s videos, zombies, or an insane need to be paid as much as your inferiors, we’re all just squirrels looking for a nut but settling for an uppercut.

Like the one outside of my window watching me watch television, the one with the glock. He’s just a metaphor for our wants and our desires and—wait no, he just broke in and stole my television.

Who runs the world? Fucking squirrels.