For The Love Of Ponytails

America is currently dealing with a number of pertinent issues, spanning from climate-related natural disasters to unsettling mass shootings, from imbedded racism to an uncertain but dysfunctional government. But the one question I can't seem to shake: Why is Pete Davidson such a fucking bummer.

If you don’t know him, don’t worry… I didn’t either. If I understand correctly, he’s known for being America’s most depressing comedian. Also, he’s the most racially ambiguous white man I’ve ever seen, but that’s neither here nor there.

But I get it. Between losing his father, Crohn’s disease, and naturally looking like an albino puppy with lipstick, I can understand why he’s so sad. But ever since his breakup with Ariana Grande (a.k.a. The Human Ponytail), he’s been ridiculously insufferable. And now all America wants to do is run to his house, hold him in our collective arms, and eat a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s straight out the carton while watching the Notebook.

Pete Davidson, if you’re reading this – which you assuredly are not – know this: when you cry, America cries with you. But we’re running out of Visine and mascara so please buck up already. We’re rooting for ya buddy, but we’re all pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just sayin’.

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest…

…Just Like A 15 Year Old In R. Kelly’s Bathroom

Get it? Because R. Kelly likes to urinate on children. Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock (or an umbrella), you’ve probably heard people discussing Lifetime’s newest docuseries Surviving R. Kelly. In the six-parter, women traumatized by R&B singer R. Kelly speak out for the first time about his psychological and sexual abuse.

I’m sorry, are you saying this isn’t the first time they’ve spoken out against him? You’re saying that his “indiscretions” have been common knowledge for the last 25 years!? You’re saying you’re confused about the sudden outrage regarding his cruelty against women and children? Yea… well, #metoo.

If you’re an old-ass millennial like me, then you remember that in the mid-90’s there were rumors swirling around that Kelly had married late singer Aaliyah. This was considered scandalous at the time because she was fifteen-years-old and he was twenty-too-fucking-old. And that was only the start of it. In the early 2000’s, he was accused of urinating on teenagers and filming it. This wasn’t just speculation; The Chicago-Sun Times received a video of him committing the act. Kelly even went to court for the possession of child pornography. But mysteriously, he was acquitted.

How? Why? Well, I believe the below reenactment of the trial explains everything:

And isn’t this the problem with our society? You can drug women as long as you’re America’s favorite ‘80s dad, disfigure songstresses if you’ve got a #1 single, or apparently relieve your bladder on kids if your song has a catchy hook.

But don’t take my word for it. Jada Pinket-Smith – a non-acting actress and TMI-aficionado – questioned the spike in Kelly’s music sales after the documentary. Chance the Rapper, who may or may not be a rapper, said, “I apologize to all the survivors for working with him.” And some random dude named Ne-Yo said, “Music is important … but it’s not more important than protecting our children.”

This shouldn’t need to be said out loud, but here it goes: Torturing women and children is bad; enabling that behavior is arguably worse.

To aptly quote Judge Judy, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. It took nearly 30 years, but it's time to finally #MuteRKelly.

And While We're At It, Can We Mute Racist Meteorologists?

Okay, for those outside of New York (and those allergic to alarmist posts on Facebook), here are the facts:

1. Coon is a derogatory term originally used against Native Americans, but famously used against African Americans.

2. Jeremy Kappell, a Rochester local meteorologist, referred to Martin Luther King Park as “Martin Luther Coon Park” on air.

In Jeremy Kappell’s defense, he was really, really sorry. So all is forgiven, right? Nah bruh. If you think I’m being too harsh, then let me explain by way of an unrelated anecdote.

Many moons ago, when I was in the third grade, I had a teacher named Miss Stankovich. Because we were all terrible children in the middle of a Brooklyn public elementary school, we would call her names behind her back. Our favorite one… Miss Stank-a-Bitch. We were a clever bunch of little buggers, weren’t we?

One day, an absent-minded 8-year-old – let’s call him… The Little Douchebag – raised his hand in class and said, “Can I go to the bathroom, Miss Stank-a-bitch?” And although the class erupted into laughter, and although The Little Douchebag apologized, there was no denying one thing: that kid wasn’t me, I swear it.

But also, it was clearly an innocent slip of the tongue, just like Kappell. And it wasn’t maliciously motivated, just like Kappell. But at the end of the day, Miss Stankovich knew the truth… The Little Douchebag liked her enough to never disrespect her to her face, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it behind her back.

And the same goes for Kappell. Yes, he apologized and sure he was probably sincere. But we caught him Freudian slippin’ and I for one can’t let that shit slide. You see, sometimes a tongue-tied Meteorologist is just a tongue-tied Meteorologist; and sometimes, he’s just a little douchebag.

Oh, and speaking of douchebags…

…You’re Not Fooling Anybody, Walter E. Disney

The Walt Disney Company is best known for their beautiful cartoons, their wondrous theme parks, and Mr. Disney’s love for anti-Semites and jive talking black crows. But let’s not dwell on the rumors that Walt Disney would eat the souls of Cuban children in order to lengthen his own life force. Instead, let’s turn our focus to Disney movies.

We all grew up on Disney movies: Dumbo, Aladdin, The Lion King and Lady and the Tramp. So most people are excited to see Disney’s lineup of new 2019 feature films. Apparently these will include: Dumbo, Aladdin, The Lion King and Lady and the Tramp.

You’re not fooling anybody, Walter E. Disney. You can’t lull your fans into a false sense of complacency for the sake of a quick money grab, rehashing your old catalogue in an attempt to prey on our nostalgia.

Oh, he can? Oh, and he will? And we’ll run to the theater in droves because we enjoy that soft feeling of déjà nu? Well then, please churn out more live action remakes. The last one I’d seen was Mowgli and the creepy human-faced animals only haunted my dreams for like a few weeks tops.

But I digress. Disney has a pretty good track record when it comes to entertaining movies. Maybe Will Smith won’t jiggy up the iconic role of Genie in Aladdin. And maybe Donald Glover could give Lady and the Tramp that hipster-rap flare it’d always needed. Plus, the last time I watched Dumbo, I did think to myself, this movie doesn’t have enough friggin’ Collin Farrell.

And those remakes are just the list for 2019. Expect upcoming live action versions of The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Lilo & Stitch, and Pinocchio. Personally, I can’t wait to see a motion capture version of adorable alien, Stitch. You know, because I’ve been looking for an excuse to never peek under my bed at night.

The point is, there’s nothing new under the sun and somehow Disney found a way to capitalize on that. I guess I’m okay with it, so long as Jasmine and Aladdin ride their magic carpet while singing, “The same old world. The same old rehashed point of view...”

BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE IN THE END…

...we’re all slaves to entertainment. People will spend $40 on a movie ticket to see what they’ve already seen before. They will support an artist despite the lives ruined. And if that meteorologist sang and danced during his forecasts, he’d probably still have a job.

But it’s not all cynical. Every now and then, fans of entertainment band together during times of real crisis… kinda like when America banded together to console Pete Davidson that one time he got really, really sad.

I’m sorry, what? He’s still sad, you say!? Damn, that girl must give some amazing ponytail. Do you, Ariana. Do you.